My tears are getting confused

Rovinj, CroatiaI’m a crier. Anyone who knows me knows that. And what’s more, often I actually like crying. I enjoy the release of emotion. I feel like it’s something I need to do on a semi-regular basis to stay sane. If it all gets too much, on goes the Notebook or Armageddon… and off I go!

But now my tears are getting confused.

The other day I started crying as I was preparing dinner alone in the kitchen with a nice glass of wine and great music playlist, and I suddenly realised that I was crying happy tears… or at least they were partially happy.

One of my friends back in Oz was going through something not so great, but the tears were not from missing her or regret that I wasn’t there in person (well… maybe a little). The tears were happy because I was there for her. Even though I couldn’t physically be there, I was still able to support her in other ways – she still leaned on me in times of stress. And it made me so thankful.

Another time I realised I was happy crying when I started thinking about all the amazing people I would not have met, had I not moved to Austria, and the positive ways in which these people have impacted my life.

How should they know… my tears… in this confusing life? How should they really know if they are happy or sad?

My parents visited recently. And it was amazing… and a little stressful. Yet I’ve always felt a little forlorn after visitors from home leave. But this time… I couldn’t work out if I was happy or sad. I’m definitely sad I don’t get to see them more often, but how amazing is it that they make the effort to visit, that they are healthy enough to visit, and that they get to see me making a little life of my own on the other side of the world.

I realise this all sounds a little bit crazy. I am a little bit weird-crazy sometimes. But I’m still loving life. And that’s all I want from it really!

So bring on the tears – happy or sad – I’ll take them as they come.


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