Before I got pregnant, I’d run through a multitude of scenarios in my mind about how it would make me feel. While I was hoping it would happen, I wasn’t sure what the prominent emotion would be. Would I be suddenly overcome with joy? Would I simply feel relief that it had finally happened? Would I burst into uncontrollable tears lasting days as I grieved the loss of my childfree life?
In the end, I think it was mostly shock. When the two lines came up I just thought to myself, right, that’s done then. It was a Friday so I wasn’t working, but it was a busy one, so I just got on with my day. But I didn’t feel any different. And it didn’t really sink in.
At our first doctor’s appointment a week later, I expected them to give me a blood test and send me on my way. After all, who would believe a flimsy stick, or my word that I claimed to be pregnant? So when the doctor whipped out his ultrasound device, and he and hubby grinned away at this little blip on the screen, all I could think was… what the?
Hubby was obviously over the moon and all I could think was… what have I gone and done? Is this really what I want? Even though I’d made a conscious decision that it was what I wanted, the thoughts intruded none the less. If this is a mistake, I thought to myself, it’s a massive one. I felt bad for thinking it, and I didn’t confide in anyone, until one of my friends revealed that she’d had exactly the same thoughts, despite being 100% convinced she always wanted kids. So I guess the adjustment period is different for everyone.
At the second ultrasound I felt a lot better. But I can’t help who I am. And there were raised eyebrows throughout the room when I exclaimed: “It’s a monster!” To clarify… I wasn’t saying that I thought it was some horrible creature, it’s just that when I’d heard it was the size of a blueberry, to see it magnified on the screen was a bit of a shock… I was pertaining to its size!
But even to this day, I have to say, it’s still sinking in. Now with an actual belly I still sometimes find myself being surprised when I look down. That it’s not just bloating, and that I do… now with morning sickness out of the way, feel surprisingly normal.
I’m not exactly excited. But I’m not exactly terrified either. I’m somewhere in between. I’m trying to go with the flow, and counting down the days till I finish work (6, if you want to know), and then I’ll see what’s next.